Letters
by lovelyapper
Summary: A collection of short, idiotic letters between Sirius and Remus during their holidays from Hogwarts. The first letters date back to the summer of 1976 during which Sirius was staying at James'; the exhange continues till their graduation in the spring of 1978. / Rated T because of language.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I'd like to point out that the _dates_ are not fabricated. **  
**

English is not my first language.

**Disclaimer: **Harry Potter & the Marauders are not mine.**  
**

**Beta: **None.

* * *

[_received_ on the 12th of July, 1976, Monday]

HI!

Hows it going Remie? You bugger, we havent heard a word from you, are you dead. hopefully not. What have you been doing? I bet nothing but books right? You should come here, Petes here also, most of the time hes in this small bakery but other than that yeah... weve been kinda busy, I'd like to tell you but Prongs made me promise not to because what weve been doing isnt exactly legal.

How was yesterday? Im so sorry we weren't there with you.

Please write me, you got Potter's address

– S

P.S. Hes trying to grow a moustache it looks ridiculous.

P.P.S. i hope this owl survived the trip but if youre reading this then it probably did

* * *

[_received_ on the 13th of July, 1976, Tuesday]

Hello, Sirius.

I have to begin with apologies, I wasn't sure if you were staying at James' or not, but I suppose I could have asked him.

It's certainly nice to hear from you, all of you. What else have you been doing except this illegal business? (I don't even want to hear about that, so don't worry.) I spent the first fortnight of summer in Scotland visiting my grandparents, but now I'm back home. I would definitely like to visit you lot but as you're probably aware I must finish my summer's reading list. I could travel there sometime in August; we could go to King's Cross together.

Thank you for asking about yesterday. It was difficult, but it's no use of thinking about it now. Hopefully I won't be alone next time.

Oh, and the second I saw the owl, I was ready to spade him a grave. He looks bad.

– Remus

PS. I finally had some of those chocolates you sent me earlier, and they were absolutely horrible. The neighbour's dog died, though, so_ thank you.  
_

* * *

[_received_ on the 15th of July, 1976, Thursday]

Hellooooo!

THANK MERLIN YOURE ALIVE

Those chocolates were brilliant you should appreciate the finer things in life! The onion ones were pretty bad though

sad about the dog, was it your friend? What was its name?

Weve been getting to know the Muggle side of the town, its pretty boring. but most of the time were too lazy to leave the house and we just end up sittin here doing nothing... Id be nice to have someone smart to talk to, you know because Potter and Pete arent like that. I have to be smart alone. Whats the idea of having a holiday if you keep obeyin schedules? toss away that bloody reading list please its stupid

YEAH of course you'll come here and well go to KC together. Just remember to pack your bathing trunks... Potters got a new pool.

Heres a picture of us! see how handsome im now

– S

P.S. Whatd you think of a Muggle girlfriend? We walked past a library the other day and I swear Remus there was this one bird with titanic tits that looked JUST like you! With books and everything you know, i think you'd hit it off right the way

P.P.S. The Muggle looked like you, not her boobs

* * *

[_received_ on the 17th of July, 1976, Saturday]

Hello.

I appreciate your help, I really do, but I don't need you to get me a Muggle girlfriend, or any other kind at that. I'm awfully busy as it is, and having to spend extra time asking someone's doings isn't exactly what I need in my life right at the moment. Thank you for trying, though, you are very persistent. And thank you for not calling me a pair of breasts.

What do James' parents think of you staying there? Have you talked to you mother? Or Regulus?

You know that I don't swim. Also, the _deceased dog_ was not my friend, it was my enemy.

– Remus

PS. I just thought of one reason why I don't need a girlfriend: I have you. You look like a girl. And what on Earth is Peter doing in that picture? Should I be worried?

* * *

[_received_ on the 19th of July, 1976, Monday]

!

What. I'm manly. And definitely not anyones girlfriend, that hurts

i have feelings you know

I'm more manly that Potter anyway. and hes got facial hair. (or tries to have)

We took that picture when they opened the pool for the first time, Pete was a tad scared to jump in so we offered to help. we figured he didn't appreciate us helping because you know, he climbed up to that bloody tree and stayed there for hours

And don't mention my family please. Theyre dead. I don't want to hear about them.

– S

P.S. I meant _theyre dead to me_ although if they were really dead no one would give a shit

P.P.S. Okay that last bit was kinda harsh. But no one cares, theyre bastards

P...P.P.S. I WILL MAKE YOU SWIM LUPIN YOUR ARSE IS GOIN TO BE SO WET pack your trunks

* * *

[_received_ on the 20th of July, 1976, Tuesday]

Hello.

I will promise not to mention your family again if you in return leave my backside alone. It's a rather sensitive topic.

Do you miss my nagging? You shouldn't bully Peter, he's going to snap one day.

Regarding your overwhelming manliness, answer me this; in what way exactly are you more masculine than James? Not that femininity is anything to be ashamed of, I'm not saying that. It's just that you cannot honestly think you're _that_ 'manly'. Have you seen yourself?

Also – did you know that the structure of your writing is getting worse by a letter? We should discuss about this before you'll write any essays in school.

– Remus

* * *

[_received_ on the 21st of July, 1976, Wednesday]

THAT'S IT LUPIN YOURE GOIN TO GET IT

regardless of your sensitive arse IM COMING

– S

P.S. Petes corpulently OK dont worry about him

* * *

[_received_ on the 22nd of July, 1976, Thursday]

Hello.

You've got nothing on me, I'm a bloody moonlit ninja.

Now, you must have seen the text you were writing just there. The correct spelling and punctuation of that would have been something like "That's it, Lupin; you're going to get it, etc." which is, as you can see, nothing like that horrid nonsense _you_ scribbled down.

– Remus

PS. _Corpulently_? Tell James to stop teaching you words.

* * *

[_received_ on the 24th of July, 1976, Saturday]

No youre wrong Remie, youll be a WET ninja once Im done with you.

and Prongs is teaching me only to restrain myself from stranglin him

– S

P.S. Pete was a rat the entire day of yesterday because he ate too much before changing. It was royally freaky he was still peeping like a bloody rodent this morning. Imagine just how hed be if he was a rat a whole year or something, god

* * *

[_received_ on the 26th of July, 1976, Monday]

Hello.

Tell my condolences to Peter for being a rat. I cannot possibly imagine how that would be like, being something as horrible as a rat without having any control over it. I can only hope I would have been there to sooth him to sleep.

Whose owl is this anyway? It looks like it might die any minute. I'm trying to feed it extra because it honestly looks like it won't make it to you anymore. Do you have a spare? I do hope we can continue this exchange, my days are rather boring without your letters. My owl is in Scotland, because of the neighbour's dog tried to eat it. (I have no idea how that was even possible.) Although now that the dog is not with us anymore, I should get my owl back.

– Remus

PS. If someone would read your letters out of context, they might look rather unnerving.

* * *

[_received_ on the 28th of July, 1976, Wednesday]

HI

I think youre calling me a pervert. are you?

Pete said youre nice. I think so too. Could you just come here already? I think Prongs parents are going mental because of James' moustache... I hate them. not his parents. I hate the moustache

He thinks he looks like Dumbledore but doesn't really. Its not even really a moustache its like he drank hot chocolate and forgot to wipe his upper lip. He calls himself a hunk now. I'm having nightmares Remus. send help

Potters are fantastic. they told me I can stay here as long as I need to.

Pete went home already but hes going to come back before we leave for school.

– S

P.S. Its almost August, come on.

* * *

[_received_ on the 30th of July, 1976, Friday]

Hello.

I know it's almost August, but I still have things to do. You can't honestly think I'd be able to study with you guys around? We've already established that over a thousand times.

Hang in there.

Also, if the moustache is giving you that much trouble, maybe you should shave it off while he's sleeping. That might help.

Tell the Potters I said hello, and try not to eat them into bankruptcy.

– Remus

PS. Be nice to my owl.

* * *

[_received_ on the 31st of July, 1976, Saturday]

Are you telling me to do shenanigans.

– S

P.S. the owls pretty! All feathery and stuff, looks better than the old beaten up chicken Potter lend me.

P.P.S. I DONT EAT THAT MUCH Remie i'm like horse i eat apples now

* * *

[_received_ on the 2nd of August, 1976, Monday]

Hello.

I was just presenting you with an idea, I'm not telling you to do anything particular with it. (But who am I kidding, we both know that's exactly what you're going to do.)

Have you ever heard the saying _eat like a horse_? You do know what that means, don't you? What kind of horse are you?

– Remus

PS. I was reading a book and it had some interesting facts of canines. Did you know that the first sense a dog developes is his sense of touch? Apparently the entire body of one, including his paws, is covered with highly touch-sensitive nerve endings. You should definitely see if this is true, and then tell me.

* * *

[_received_ on the 3rd of August, 1976, Tuesday]

Remie... you do know im not really a dog right? Or a horse. Also I HAVE NEVER TOUCHED MESELF

okay just come here already.

Something weird happened this morning. Prongs got a postcard from Egypt... FROM EVANS and it wasn't anything like "Im here in Egypt sod off" but like a real real postcard. James is broken now, he hasnt moved the whole day. I shaved his moustache off last nite but since hes still in the breakfast table he hasn't seen himself in the mirror yet.

Im scared. i should seek a hiding place before he comes to life.

Thank Merlin hes not the Seeker!

– S

P.S. but yeah, in my burial ceremony please Remie read these exact words: "He died saving his friends from a massive Gnome, but not his family, the Gnome ate his family, because HIS FAMILY SUCKS"

* * *

[_received_ on the 4th of August, 1976, Wednesday]

Hello.

I hope you're still alive, but if he's murdered you... that's entirely your own fault. Who told you to mess with him? Do tell him I said hello and that _Lily does not like moustaches_. Maybe that will appease him.

Also if it's any consolation, I'm scared, too. Next Monday is going to be a bad one. I feel it in my bones already.

– Remus

PS. You touch yourself all the time, Sirius. Don't pretend that I don't know.

* * *

[_received on_ the 5th of August, 1976, Thursday]

Pack your bags, Moony, we're coming to get you on Thursday.

– S

P.S. THE BATHING TRUNKS or youll swim naked.

* * *

**A/N:** And... the question remains whether or not Remus was able to dodge this whole swimming thing.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Yes, so I intented the first one to be a oneshot, but nah. This one's a shorter one, though, because a shorter holiday? Yeah, makes sense, doesn't it.

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter & the Marauders are not mine.

**Beta:** No beta.

* * *

[_received_ on the 27th of December, 1976, Monday]

Hello Sirius.

How are you? How has your holiday been? I have relaxed immensely myself.

I hope you enjoyed my gift. After opening yours I was mildly surprised, and to be honest I initially thought you had sent me the wrong one, but thank you, I appreciate it. The gift wasn't exactly you, I'm not going to complain. It was just what I needed.

Tell James I said hi. Is Peter there? I haven't heard a word from him.

– Remus

* * *

[_received_ on the 28th of December, 1976, Tuesday]

HI

Thanks Remie the gift was the BESTEST! at first I had no idea why you gifted me with two mirrors, you see I have one face so I only need one. but then I read the instructions and realised what they were... dear MERLIN theyre brilliant! Me and Prongs use them all the time now, can't go to the bloody loo alone because he keeps bothering me but its OK since were having a laugh

THANK YOU youre really the best. I hope you dont regret this once were back in school. we decided to use them for chatting while well be in detention!

i feel like a royal arse now, my gift was the worst on Earth. Figures! I had to ask help when i was getting it, Sodding Evans told me you needed something to keep you warm. should've bought you a bottle of Firewhiskey

...or fudge or a Sex position book. I dont know, dont ask

– S

P.S. you could've given me one mirror and kept the other one yourself? That would've been brilliant but I guess this is ok too

P.P.S. Petes got the cheese illness, hes fine

* * *

[_received_ on the 29th of December, 1976, Wednesday]

Hello.

Stop faulting yourself, please. Your gift was nice. Lily helped you? Since when have you two gotten along without tearing each other's throats out? Also, now I feel I have to point out that even though I am an avid reader and I adore books, I'm glad you didn't bestow me with one full of sex potitions.

Why do you take the mirror with you in the bathroom if you want to be alone? You don't have to carry it around all the time, you know. Yes – at first I considered keeping the other myself, but then I reckoned you wouldn't leave me alone for a second. (And as you can probably realise that is _exactly_ the case of you and James at the moment.)

Please do not aim to get into detention. Let's start 1977 with a clean slate, yes? Please. I beg of you.

What is a cheese illness? I have never heard of that before.

– Remus

PS. Tell me what to do. My neighbours are considering (or that's what I heard at least) of _getting a new dog_. Help.

* * *

[_received_ on the 30th of December, 1976, Thursday]

Hi

tell me. Whats wrong with dogs, im a dog? Sometimes

If your neighbours are really adopting a puppy please dont murder it, okay Remie. puppies are nice and friendly. its NOT going to eat anything of yours because its on the other side of the bloody fence Remus please be reasonable

you're right, I don't like Evans but she was the only one who knew something extra about you. Potters the worst gift giver ever lived on this planet so Dont think I would have asked him. and Pete doesn't even know himself. I couldn't ask you, but then again if I had... the gift wouldnt sucked utter bollocks!

Cheese illness strikes when you eat too much cheese before goin to bed, youre going to have nightmares about cheese and cant get up from the bed because youre so scared. Its otherwise known as the cheese coma? Its horrible or so I imagine. Pete has told us about it at least hundred times. he keeps getting it all the time because HE KEEPS EATING THE FRIGGING CHEESE dumbarse

– S

P.S. I carry the mirror around me because im pretty

P.P.S. HAPPY NEW YEARS REMIE remember to kiss someone!

* * *

[_received_ on the 3rd of January, 1977, Monday]

Hello.

Bonne année, Sirius. I didn't kiss anyone.

What are you on about? I'm not going to murder a (so far) innocent puppy. That's ridiculous. All I'm probably going to do is to set a nice trap for it, and hope it'll blow up from fear. If it doesn't blow up then I'll have to eat it, naturally.

(That was a joke.)

If you keep whinging about the mittens, I'll send them back to you and make you wear them while you do your hair. How's that?

Also, how much cheese is too much cheese?

– Remus

* * *

[_received_ on 4th of January, 1977, Tuesday]

HELLO REMUS

Any amount of cheese is too much cheese! god

okay now i'm very concerned. Remie this is serious: If you bully that poor puppy I'm going to bully you. until you cry

into your pillow

WITH THE PUPPY

– S

P.S. Im going to bully you with the puppy, youre not going to cry with him

obviously

P.P.S. You shouldve been here i could've kissed you? ...Joke.

P.P...P.S. _tomorrow_, dear MERLIN are you OK?! please do NOT die. ill make you suffer if you do

* * *

[_received_ on 7th of January, 1977, Friday]

Hello.

_What_?

– Remus

PS. As you can see, clearly I'm not dead. Thank you for your concern, it's heart-warming. Wednesday was very bad, though. I have a huge gash on my right leg now, and it's rather difficult to walk. I might need a cane.

PPS. I'm happy to return to school. Are you?

* * *

[_received_ on 8th of January, 1977, Saturday]

HI

all I'm saying is that you should be nice to the puppy. Don't be a bully, Remie, no one likes bullies... I know for a fact Snape doesnt ha ha

Will you meet us at KC? if you won't see us at the platform well be in the train already. Prongs said we should try to get the best compartment of the train, i dont know, to impress Evans I think. Youll spot us easily. Potters head is so humongous its pretty hard to miss and Pete is kinda huge too

SO excited to go back to school too! I wonder if Minnie missed us?

– S

P.S. supersad about the Leg! Try to recover _please _I don't like seeing you hurt. but canes are cool so there's that

* * *

**A/N:** No Sirius... I don't think McGonagall did.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Thanks so much for your reviews. I love you (as much as Sirius loves Remus – and that's a lot). x x

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter & the Marauders are not mine.

**Beta:** No beta.

* * *

[_received_ on 9th of April, 1977, Saturday]

HI Remie

Hows it goin? i hope youre all right! Are you healed completely. Your limp was bad when you left, is it better

We're having a blast. Snivellus decided to stay in the school with us. I wish youd be here also, making fun of him.

– S

P.S. is it LEGAL to give Detention during easter holiday?

* * *

[_received_ on 11th of Aprl, 1977, Monday]

Hello Sirius.

First of all,_ what did you do_?

I'm better now, thank you for asking. I would enjoy myself a lot more being there with you, I really would – but my parents were rather persistent of me coming home to see my grandmother now when she is visiting. I love her, but I cannot fathom why after all these years she doesn't understand my utter hatred for toffee. I did not want to seem ungrateful and make her cry, so I had to eat some.

I still feel it inside me.

Yes, my limp was rather bad. Do you not recall how James called me Quasimodo because of the way I walked? My leg is better now, though, so you can tell him to sod off. How are you?

Please do not torture Severus.

– Remus

* * *

[_received_ on 14th of April, 1977, Tuesday]

HI

SO HAPPY to hear youre all right. also you could easily tell your Grandma that youre allergic to sugar. she's old I bet and I dont think shed notice you eating all the chocolate in the household.

What did we do... we did nothing! I Solemnly Swear. Minnie just overreacted as usual... we snuck into the library to get something interesting and boom... detention. Four Hours! god its like she lives for the chance of giving us detention. I think she follows us around. Its also funny how she always asks WHY we do this. LIKE WE WANT DETENTION. ugh

I dont understand why she was so mad about the library tho. Its just a bloody library

yeah... also I sorta bled on a 1000 year old library book but it was SO old, I dont think shes pipped because of that. I reckon Pince told her a lie about us.

– S

P.S. Evans slapped Potter yesterday he hasn't left the bed, send help

P.P.S. is it customary of the house elves to leave Easter chocolate? because there was chocolate on your pillow but not on ours?! is this a conspiracy

* * *

[_received_ on 15th of April, 1977, Wednesday]

Hello.

DO NOT EAT MY CHOCOLATE.

Tell me, how can you_ bleed_ on a 1000 year old library book?

No... wait. Don't answer me. It's better if I don't know. I don't even want to know. Please, don't tell me.

I thought Lily was going home during the holiday? At least that was what she told me. How is she there, then, slapping James? But I think the most important question here is what exactly did he do to deserve the slapping? Well... Tell him that if he hasn't gotten up from the bed by Thursday morning, I shall talk to Lily once I'll be back in school – and I'll advise her _never to date him_.

How is Peter, by the way? I hope you're all still having fun despite your horrible punishments.

– Remus

PS. Seven days of holiday and I haven't slept properly at all - _the dog_ keeps me awake. I don't think I cannot take this any longer.

* * *

[_received_ on 16th of April, 1977, Thursday]

HELLO

This is how it went down: We used the Cloak, of course we did. but we're getting taller and i dont think Pince is used to seeing _legs_ in her library. She looked like she was about to explode man i'm serious We emerged under the cloak, she didnt see the cloak but saw us. Naturally she flipped, i though I was going to die. horrible, and Pete almost pissed himself

Me and Potter thought we should by him some sorta diapers. he keeps holding us back

and OF COURSE Pince told Minnie who was furious! we are brilliant so I cannot understand why she keeps yelling at us so much. She thought we were using some sorta potion to make us invisible and gave us detention. stupid. Then she saw the book and my ear and boom, three hours more.

She did say we should be expelled. But i think she loves us too much to even suggest that to Dumbledore

why I bled on the Book you ask? I FINALLY PIERCED MY EAR boom Remie.

or Potter did. it hurt like hell but I look so cool now, have a picture of ME

– S Ramone

P.S. I cant believe i have to tell you this again! DONT KILL THE DOG ok?

* * *

[_received_ on 17th of April, 1977, Friday]

Hello.

Serves you lot right. Oh... my apologies. That sounded rather rigorous once on paper. Despite of that, I thought you three were already aware of the repercussions of your idiocy. What were your plans considering the book anyway?

Your name is not Ramone, Sirius, even if you pierced your ear... Which looks _bad_ to be concise. Nevertheless, I'm certain that blood and pus will attract some sort of females. No, seriously: I suggest you'd take off that earring immediately. You might think it makes you look cool, but to be honest the first word that came to my mind is _inflamed_. If this goes on, I'm not sure if you have a head once I'm back in school.

And please stop using _boom_. It's ridiculous. You sound like you've just learnt to use _Expulso_.

No, I'm not going to kill the dog.

– Remus

PS. _Yet_.

PPS. Don't get detention for Monday, all right?

* * *

[_received_ on 18th of April, 1977, Saturday]

REMUS

NO listen to me

DONT KILL THE DOG

Im serious! please

– S Ramone

P.S. the book... Pete had heard that there was a spell that would make boobs bigger

P.P.S. not Petes boobs! thatd be HORRIBLE

P.P.P...S. Now i cant stop thinking about his boobs! Thanks Remie i hope youre happy now

* * *

**A/N:** Who wouldn't be, thinking about Peter's boobs... R&R!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** I cannot believe people actually like these! Love you x x

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter & the Marauders are not mine.

**Beta: **No.

* * *

[_received_ on 6th of July, 1977, Wednesday]

Hi Remus.

you promised me you'd write once you got home but you havent.

I'm still sorry

– S

P.S. remember to swim, its Summer! I got meself a new pair of trunks. I look brilliant, want a picture?

* * *

[_received_ on 7th of July, 1977, Thursday]

Remie please.

Im super sorry okay tell me youre all right.

– S

P.S. We think Petes allergic to mushrooms. he ate one from Potters yard and swelled up. He was like three times his normal size, meaning flipping HUGE times ten! We tried to push him so he would have fit the door to go inside but he didnt. he spent the night in the yard talking to squirrels

* * *

[_received_ on 9th of July, 1977, Saturday]

ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE

REMUS I cant sleep

– S

P.S. i caught a turtle today. I dont know what to name him, any suggestions

* * *

[_received_ on 12th of July, 1977, Tuesday]

I'm going to set Potter on fire if you wont write me

– S

* * *

[_received_ on 13th of July, 1977, Wednesday]

Hello Sirius.

Please don't hurt James, he hasn't done anything wrong.

Tell Peter I said hi; also pass my regards to the Potters.

– Remus

* * *

[_received_ on 14th of July, 1977, Thursday]

HI

YOURE ALL RIGHT and able to write thank almighty Merlin! how are you Remie?

Wait... you only care about Pete and Potter now? THATS FINE im fine. no one cares

I'm okay, I dont care

Potters a melon head and Pete farts in his sleep! what do you think of that huh Remie

I dont understand! Why are you angry at me? I didnt do anything wrong! I cant grasp why you'd be so upset anyway. Remie it was _just a kiss_

– S

* * *

[_received_ on 15th of July, 1977, Friday]

Hello.

Yes, it was a kiss, but friends do not usually kiss each other, do they? I have never kissed Lily, for example – even if I've wanted to.

– Remus

* * *

[_received_ on 16th of July, 1977, Saturday]

Hi

oh come on Remie dont be cross – i kiss everybody you know that!

And no, DO NOT kiss Evans please! I don't want that also Potter will go mental and then he will break himself. He's like an egg. all tough and hardcore outside but when you peek in, hes see-through and slimy

that and he thinks muscles excel brains

not that you dont have any muscles

you do!

IN YOUR LEGS yeah leg muscles, theyre nice. And your butt is the talk of the school.

_I havent been looking. _

– S

P.S. We have a new neighbour here. she's pretty hot and tall and all that jazz, but then we actually realised she plays jazz WITH AN INSTRUMENT like a tuba or a saucepan. what a bummer!

P.P.S. the turtle Remie

* * *

[_received_ on 18th of July, 1977, Monday]

Hello.

Please do not name the turtle Remie. Turtles are magnificent animals, and they deserve majestic names – such as Fitzgerald or Goliath. Do consider those, but if they don't please you we can think of another. _But not Remie_. That sounds like a dog.

And no, you do not kiss everybody. I've never seen you kiss Peter. Have you kissed him?

Instruments are fine, you just cannot play any. And before you try to convince me otherwise, I don't think_ Little Sirius_ can be counted as an instrument.

– Remus

PS. My legs are like twigs; I can barely run, so I have no idea what you're talking about. And do I have to tell you this again? My backside is not a topic of discussion.

* * *

[_received_ on 19th of July, 1977, Tuesday]

HI

Dont worry about the turtle. It went missing. Im pretty sure daddy Potter ate it. he was whinging about this one pie mum made and because she told him to bugger off, he was left super hungry. Tonight Im going to investigate this I have the Cloak it'll be all right

but If i wont survive this give all my belongings to Hagrid. except my socks. they wont fit him

Have I KISSED PETE? of course not. who would want to do that? & why would I kiss any of my Friends anyway? are you DAFT

– S

P.S. can I come there next week? I dont want you to be alone.

P.P.S. Little Sirius is the best instrument ever, wanna try it

* * *

[_received_ on 20th of July, 1977, Wednesday]

Hello.

What happened to the turtle? Did you find it?

You asked me why you would kiss your friends... but you kissed me, Sirius. Are we not friends?

And evidently you have forgotten the time you and James got extremely pissed last year. If that wasn't full on snogging, I don't know what is.

– Remus

PS. I would love to have you here, but you don't have to travel all the way up here just because of me.

PPS. What.

* * *

[_received_ on 22nd of July, 1977, Friday]

HI

OKAY so i'm coming next Friday. be sure to have a bed for me or I will sleep next to you. Joke

I followed daddy Potter around a bit but after he showed no turtle-eating symptoms I let it go. i miss him though

The turtle I mean. he was my best friend

Yeah Potters my best friend also but at least the turtle didn't talk about EVANS all the time. He was quiet

during these years Ive spent in this house I've learnt to appreciate the quiet types – like you

And the turtle

– S

P.S. please don't ever mention the Firewhiskey Incident again. If you do I will glomp you so many times youll cry blood and rainbows

* * *

[_received_ on 23rd of July, 1977, Saturday]

Hello.

I'm glad you're coming here. And don't worry; you will have your own bed.

You didn't answer my question. Don't you think us friends? I consider you as my friend – maybe I have probably misread something again? But somehow that feels somewhat unlikely for _you told me we are friends five years ago_. Are we? And if you won't answer me, I'm going to drop the Firewhiskey Incident into every single conversation I will ever have with anyone. Soon even the house-elves are going to know about your adventures.

I am not afraid of you glomping me, I've gotten used to it by now.

– Remus

PS. I'm sorry for your best friend. Thank Merlin you still have James, who's a bit like a turtle – soft on the inside, and green at times.

* * *

[_received_ on 25th of July, 1977, Monday]

HI REMIE

Okay, youre super smart Remie and I don't feel okay calling you an idiot

but you are an idiot. Of course we are friends! But not like Pete-friends because I dont feel like kissing him, he's pretty much the grossest thing ive ever seen. And that's saying a lot since my whole ex-family's full of arseholes dressed as maggots and snakes

– S

P.S. I'm going to glomp you when I see you! See then if youre used to it

P.P.S. i don't need my own bed i can sleep in yours JOKE... or not

* * *

[_received_ on 27th of July, 1977, Wednesday]

Remie

Are you all right?

– S

* * *

[_received_ on 29th of July, 1977, Friday]

Remus

regardless if youre alive or not

I'm coming on Friday to meet your arse

– S

P.S. Sorry I meant your mum and dad

* * *

**A/N:** And what happened during that time at Remus'? That's for you to decide.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Thank you so much for your great reviews! You guys are awesome, but obviously your sense of humour is quite questionable. x x

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is not mine.

**Beta:** Nope! (Honestly I'd feel bad for the beta who'd have to read through Sirius' letters.)

* * *

[_received_ on the 26th of December, 1977, Monday]

Hello Sirius.

Merry Christmas!

You did that card yourself? I like it, it's very nice, and the song on it is... entertaining, to say the least. Thank you. Knowing you, however, I was well-prepared and listened to it not until I was alone, which turned out to be the right choice after all. If I'm honest, the way you are able to include my backside in a Christmas carol is rather baffling. Oh! Was this card the covert project you tried to keep secret from us the past three weeks?

From which I can proceed to your present. I had just managed to convince my parents that you are not, in fact, a crazy person after your little visit in August, and now you do this.

_Why_.

I'm surprised they haven't started questioning my mental health because you are my friend.

– Remus

* * *

[_received_ on 27th of December, 1977, Tuesday]

Hi & JOLLY CHRISTMAS Remie.

How are you, was Sunday bad. I hope not x x

my card was the bestest card EVER, thanks, and What. I was sure youd like the gift too! YOU LOVE BOOKS Remie, I know that. Ive seen you sniff the pages of your favourite ones. and you were the first thing that popped into my mind when I saw that very Book. How is it that you dont like it. have I missed something

and you ask me why?

Because you need it that's why

Also I need you to need it so GET ON WITH IT

– S

P.S. Potter also got a book from Evans titled something Bone Ape tit and we were so stocked because a Book about skeleton monkey boobs? but when he opened it there was only recipes? Were still trying to figure out if were supposed to cook bones and ape tits, or what. Evans is a freak, let me tell you

P.P.S. tell your folks I'm not insane OR Im coming there to tell them meself.

* * *

[_received_ on 28th of December, 1977, Wednesday]

Hello.

Sunday was all right – well not exactly, but I was handcuffed and tied to my bed, so I managed to do less damage to the surroundings and myself than usual. Thank you for asking. These times at home, all by myself, are worse than those at school, but I guess you can understand that.

I'm sure the book James got from Lily has nothing to do with ape tits (which sounds awfully vulgar). I'm sorry you got your hopes up. However, once you do realise what the book is actually for, please do not burn down the house. Also, how is it possible that you cannot grasp the basics of the French language? Your family speaks it fluently. In addition you look exactly like a French duke gone rogue.

I apologise. Duchess was what I meant.

Yes, you are correct, I love books; but just try to imagine the amount of my discomfiture as I opened your present and saw what kind of a book you had given me. I wanted the floor to eat me alive – I even tried to dive under the carpet. And... I might have told my parents you're suffering from something and that you need to get your head checked once a month in St. Mungo's, but I'm not entirely certain of this. I was so embarrassed that I blacked out.

– Remus

PS. Did you like my present? How is James? Tell him I said hi. Is Peter there?

PPS. I do not sniff books.

* * *

[_received_ on 29th of December, 1977, Thursday]

Remie

you were handcuffed to a bed _what. _WHY wasnt I told about this.

Also are the handcuffs yours or? Glad youre OK though, here have extra kisses x x

sadly enough the Ape tit book is still a mystery. and no, I rebelled against the French because my family thinks speaking it is cool. bastards. And now everytime you speak French i get the feeling I need to shut you up, mainly with my mouth. which is quite often actually and sometimes has nothing to do with French

i dont know. Need to look into that

Your gift was a comb, Remie? Dont really know what I should think about this. dont you like my hair? its shiny. Thanks anyways

and you sniff books all the time! its kinda cute actually. Makes me want to be a book

– S

P.S. read the Book will you, it has nice moving pictures. Inspirational, I almost bought one for myself too but I figured we could share it? SO remember to bring it to school!

P.P.S. Petes not here and Potters fine. we're going to rummage through the attic tonight. I hope there are ghosts there because I want to be friends with one and Nick hates me. the Baron would be a nice choice also because hes got the right attitude but hes a douchebag Slytherin so no thanks. what does a bloke have to do in this shoddy world to get a see-through friend

P...P.P.S. oh yeah I have James, never mind

* * *

[_received_ on 30th of December, 1977, Friday]

Hello.

I am neither going to read nor share a sex position book with you, Sirius. I am still having a hard time coping with the fact that you gave it to me in the first place. Although you mentioned it last Christmas, I never would have guessed you would actually... Well, thank you for this book I will probably never even glance at.

Please, try the comb.

– Remus

PS. You rebelled against _the French_? The whole nation? How was that?

PPS. Sir Nicholas doesn't hate you. He just finds you terribly annoying.

* * *

[_received_ on 31st of December, 1977, Saturday]

HELLO

oh my

its understandable youre hard while reading the book. Nice mental image that one by the way. yeah... Ive seen a Muggle book of same sort and even though there are lots of pictures in that too they don't move at all which kinda makes it boring. Boring boobs and butts, think about it Remie.

that's historical

Although Im pretty sure Evans boobs are boring, so not historical at all. Cute but boring – unlike you Remie youre cute but not boring, also I like your butt. youre not a boob though. Like Pete is. he's the King of boobs who also has king-sized boobs. Majestic MANTITS he has

Thats probably why he was wearing a bra on his head the other day.

anyway take the book with you and well read it together. that will be fun, tryin new stuff you know, experimenting. You like that dont you.

ALSO I tried the comb. bloody hell where do you get this stuff, my hairs never look prettier! Thanks so much x

Im the greatest rebel ever lived! No one cares about the French people if youre a super rebel and ride a bloody motorcycle. yeah... Remie, remind me to buy a motorcycle

– S

P.S. HAPPY NEW YEAR Remie kisses on your everything

P.P.S. Nick doesnt hate me? then Why did he tell me to toss away my idiot helmet and run straight towards the nearest stone wall

* * *

[_received_ on 2nd of January, 1978, Monday]

Hello.

I had to read your letter a few times before I understood anything on it. How can you ramble on paper? That is impossible. Actually... no, this does not surprise me at all. Never mind.

No, I haven't read the book, but yesterday I did almost peek inside of it to satisfy the minimal, insignificant curiosity that I felt towards it. However, I remembered the saying _curiosity killed the cat_in time and thought better to stay away from it. I don't know what would happen if I read it. I might – Why am I telling you this? The point is that reading the book did not made me hard, _for_ _I did not read the book._

Does James know you're staring at Lily's breasts? Also it seems to me that you are spending awful lot time thinking about Peter's chest, too. Should I be worried?

This is important: you have gotten the impression that I like experimenting because everytime you've done something to me, I have been too nonplussed to say anything or to fight back. Not that any of it bothers me really, but... still. The conclusion is that you like experimenting on me. I just... experiment with you.

That looks horrible once on paper.

– Remus

PS. Perhaps Sir Nicholas thought that you would plunge through the wall as he does? But I would say it's for the best if you stayed away from him for a while. As friendly as he normally is, he might try to kill you.

* * *

[_received_ on 3rd of January, 1978, Tuesday]

HI

a) i dont ramble

B) Curiosity killed the cat _but Satisfaction brought it back_ which basically means Read the Book. itll give you ideas, Im sure of it, great ideas. Ideas that involve absolutely zero women, only us

3) so you were hard but not because of the book? Interesting. lets discuss this in person Remie, and NO you cannot wiggle your way out of this

d) i Dont ogle at Evans boobs I just know theyre there. Petes boobs i have to stare because theyre IN MY FACE ALL THE TIME horrible.

f) all you need to worry about is what will happen to You when I see you on Friday

e) everytime WE experiment Remie you say plenty. things like _yes_ or _more. _I have ears, but i also know this because I like listening to you moan. also if you wanted you could easily fight me. But you dont SO there

last) take the handcuffs with you too

– S

* * *

[_received_ on 5th of January, 1978, Thursday]

Hello.

Please do not write me ever again.

– Remus

PS. I have packed the book _and_ the handcuffs.

* * *

**A/N:** ...What?


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** This is the last one of this series of letters. THANK YOU so much for reading and reviewing and liking, you people are my favourites. And because of that I might just do an extra one if you guys want. :) But if not then... no, naturally!

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter & the Marauders, how horny they might be, are not mine.

**Beta:** No.

* * *

[_received_ on the 10th of April, 1978, Monday]

Remieee

I miss You

why are you not here

– S

P.S. My hands are itchy

* * *

[_received_ on the 11th of April, 1978, Tuesday]

Hello Sirius.

The reason why you are frustared is not because you miss me, it's because you just aren't getting any.

_From me._

This does not surprise me, however. We are both well aware that I am rather good._  
_

– Remus

PS. I miss you as well.

* * *

[_received_ on the 12th of April, 1978, Wednesday]

ugh

bloody Hell Remie. you cant just write something like that to me AND expect me to survive while Potter and Evans are eating each others faces right next to me. its like, Have you ever seen a squid eat its prey? I havent but Im pretty sure this is flat what the prey is feeling

I want to eat my own eyes so Im not forced to see this Remie help. Petes already left the dormitory to live with Poppy or to join a travellin circus. I dont know he said nothing when he left.

my envy for him is a real thing now

So yeah I wish youd be here making things better. like keeping Evans away from Potter for three seconds GOD How do you do it anyway? do you have a special lure or do you threaten her or what. I wouldnt be surprised though if you told me you only say things to her ear or something because we both know thats EXACTLY how you make _me_ do bizarre things

Okay I dont like the idea of you whispering anythin to Evans. dont do that please love

also had a dream about you last nite! It was the weirdest bloody thing ive ever seen I mean it was hot. but still. Like in any other of my dreams we wre bonking our brains out but this time you were a profiterole? Dont think I can see one of those anymore without getting a boner and I like lookin at pastries so I hope youre happy now.

this reminds me. I was super bored yesterday therefore I wrote a poem for you:

I want you

I need you oh baby

oh baby

– S

P.S. did I already tell you to use that new camera of yours to send me a picture of yourself. I need it ASAP love

* * *

[_received_ on the 13th of April, 1978, Thursday]

Hello.

You are the most unusual person ever to live on this planet, Sirius. Never change.

You have needs, yes I do know this, but I am not going to send you a picture of me. Merlin knows what you're going to do with it – no, actually I do know. That's why I am not sending you anything besides these letters, definitely not pictures. I was about to, actually, but then I got your first letter and thought better not to. Please, control yourself.

I was a profiterole? I don't really know what I can say to that, except... Now I know what to bring you from London. Let us just see how well you can manage once I hand the pastries over to you.

Also, no one is making you to stare at Lily and James. Quit complaining and leave the room. It's that simple.

You know I don't have to say anything to you to make you do bizarre things. I only have to look at you.

Thank you for the poem. It was lovely. Here is one back, it's a haiku.

_Underwear, whipped cream _

_do you know what I will do _

_once I'm back in school?_

– Remus

PS. Almost forgot! I am quite happy – our neighbours have moved away, and yesterday as I was walking home from the town library, I ran into our new one. He was very nice, and as it happens, he's allergic to dogs! Finally I get to sleep when I am visiting home.

* * *

[_received_ on the 14th of April, 1978, Friday]

HEY

I dont like the sound of that bloke. Sounds dodgy as hell Remie stay away from him. also how do you already know hes allergic to Dogs if you just ran into him. Did you talk to him. More than 5 minutes? Im not jealous. whos jealous!

Im not

Was he handsome? or young. how was his hair. Was it as shiny as mine I BET NOT. you know, Im sure he looks stupid. if he does hes not fit for you Remie I AM. remember this when you ogle at him with steamy eyes

honestly though Remie I hope you did not check out his bum. if you did, Im going to take it out on you the next time I see you. I was going to greet you and the London profiteroles with extra tenderness but this asks for special treatment. you need to learn, love

– S

P.S. Potters all busy now, you know, slobbering with the red devil, We dont do pranks anymore, Remie. Im sad

P.P.S. I _really_ hate your neighbour, he seems super creepy. I bet hes all weird like he has unicorns locked in his basement or something. should I come to investigate this with Potter we still have a week

P..P.P...S: the picture Remie, oh and make it a nude Thanks. Also, dont know what a HAIKU is but if you have the whipped cream there with you, I wouldnt mind if you added it in the photoshoot

* * *

[_received_ on the 15th of April, 1978, Saturday]

Hello.

Your infallible ability to be jealous, rutty, and self-conceited at the same time is rather baffling. You should get an award.

My neighbour is young, Scottish painter, and not at all creepy. Although I am not certain, I think he's over twenty. His accent is quite thick, but once I got the hang of it and the further our conversation went the better I understood him. He is from the same little village my grandmother lives in, which is a huge coincidence. He has even sold her a painting once! His paintings are rather good actually; he showed me some of them when I visited his house yesterday. My mother positively loves him. I'm happy to make new friends.

And Sirius, you are absolutely ridiculous. Ogling at random people's backsides is not my hobby – it is yours. So no, I have not checked out his bum, that is not what I do. And if I do check out someone's posterior, usually it is yours. Do not worry.

I don't know if his hair is shiny or not, he wears a beanie all the time. What would it matter if it was? It's just hair, Sirius. So please, do not lose your beauty sleep because of that either. Your hair is the shiniest I know.

Do not come here investigating. You are rather bad at that.

Tell James and Lily I said hello. Have you seen Peter? Please ask him what kind of cheese is the most popular with rats. Alan (my neighbour) is having a rat infestation and I want to help him by catching some of them. I don't know what I would do with them, though.

Oh! Ask Peter if he wants new friends.

– Remus

PS. I am glad you're done with pranking. I'm sure Severus will be pleased to hear this also; he's still trying to lose those goblin ears, by the way.

PPS. You think you can go all rough on me? Not going to happen, _love_.

* * *

[_received_ on the 17th of April, 1978, Monday]

HI.

Pete came back from his expedition with bruises and said that rats dont eat cheese. so this basically means your new boyfriends goin to be eaten alive by hungry rodents SORRY

Im not really though. he seemed like plonker. a painter... who paints anyway? The people who cant write. BUT if you want I can come to the funeral with you. let's pay our respects Remie

you think I should get an award? Cheers but just now the best kind would be you comin here. Im going bonkers

also

A. am not rutty! When have I ever been rutty thats not me. if someones rutty its you, my dear Remus. there was the time I was in detention before full moon (so no time together) and you dry humped a tree in the forest. and youre calling me frisky Thats rich

b) self-conceited maybe but I don't have beauty sleeps.

and. rough or not I know you love it LOVE

Guess what. Snape wasn't happy when we told him were done with pranking? I was conjuring confetti above him as a celebration of a new era and he thought I was trying to explode him, what an idiot. I only wanted to he nice but i guess that ship has sailed so yeah. were goin to prank him tonight

– S

P.S. couple of days Remie

* * *

[_received_ on the 18th of April, 1978, Tuesday]

Hello.

Sirius, you were right about Alan. I honestly thought he wanted to be friends with me, but the point when he wanted to paint a nude painting of me was definitely a wake-up call. I should have believed your instincts of him being dodgy, I apologise. So the saying that similar people recognise one another rather easily is true.

People, who cannot write, paint? Then you should be the greatest painter of all the Wizarding World.

Maybe you should have used balloons with Severus instead of confetti? It's understandable that he's afraid of exploding near you. Who isn't? You should get that wand fixed.

About that dry hump... It did not happen. You are making that up.

– Remus

* * *

[_received_ on the 19th of April, 1978, Wednesday]

HELLO Remie

yeah Snapes fine. my wands fine, were all fine. except me Come here already

i dont know whats happening to me Remie. Now I had a dream it was full moon and you kinda went heavy-handed on Padfoot?

Am not complaining but holy shite I cant think of anything else? and thats saying a lot like Potter fell of a broom this morning, fracturing his jaw. Ive been trying to figure out in what a bloody hellish fashion he was flying if the only thing he broke while falling was his jaw. the blokes amazing

Pete got stuck in a toilet yesterday.

– S

P.S. THANK MERLIN FOR CREEPY PAINTERS youre all mine. Also did you call me dodgy AM NOT DODGY im a doggy, sometimes

P.P.S. you still havent sent me that picture.

* * *

[_received_ on the 20th of April, 1978, Thursday]

Hello.

I will be there tomorrow. Hold on to your trousers.

Your dreams are getting more and more whimsical. Do you eat copious of amounts before going to bed? That might explain everything. This said, I don't think you should come with us on Sunday. I might try to do something.

How is James? Have you yet found out the mystery of his jaw? Is Peter still in the toilet?

I feel that Hogwarts is in immediate danger once I leave home.

– Remus

PS. Oh, and I've come to a conclusion about the London thing. Yes. Do you think a flat with two rooms would be all right? Let's discuss this once I'm there.

* * *

**A/N:** Whaaaa are they getting a shared flat! Noooo – yes.


	7. BONUS

**A/N:** A SMALL BONUS! A tad different though, but hopefully explaining a bit what happened to them after _Letters_.

Thank you so much for all the reviews and likes. x x

**Disclaimer:** _Harry Potter_, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black are not mine.

**Beta:** No. All mistakes are mine, and you can blame me for them.

* * *

[on the 10th of March, 1980, Thursday]

Remus snickered faintly as he moved the topmost paper under the pile he had in his hands.

"What're those?" Sirius asked, his face pressed tightly into Remus' relaxed shoulder. Remus had himself propped against the headboard of their bed, and as usual after sex, Sirius was leaning against him and seemed as if he was drained completely out of energy.

Slowly turning his eyes from the paper to Sirius, Remus smiled. "Your letters."

"Which ones?"

"All of them."

"Show me," Sirius said, and Remus handed him the letter he had just moved to last. Sirius eyed it quickly through and mumbled, "This is two years old. Why would you have kept these?"

Remus shrugged weakly. "I like to preserve them for later reading. They are unbelievably amusing."

Shaking his head, Sirius gave him the letter back. "Well, that one made no sense at all."

As he put the piece of parchment back beneath the others, Remus chuckled warmly. "None of them makes really."

"You know I want to make myself as clear as possible, as soon as possible. I don't care about grammar."

"You certainly don't," Remus mused as he tied the letters together with a string and placed them on the nightstand. Again he turned to Sirius, who looked as if he was about to fall asleep. He cocked Sirius' face upwards from his jaw and bussed him gently on the lips. "Like yesterday, I had no idea what you were trying to say in that note of yours."

"I thought it was quite simple," Sirius uttered. "It said we need milk."

"Yes, but it only said _milk._ Was I supposed to buy milk, or had the one we had gone bad? Did we had too much of it? I had no idea."

Sirius' eyes drooped close. "But you bought milk anyway."

Rapturously smiling at him, Remus ran a thumb on Sirius' rough cheek. "Yes, after searching through the entire kitchen... I did."

Without saying a word, Sirius turned himself completely to Remus, and draped on him, covering the right half of him. Remus sniggered to his hair, "You're really this exhausted?"

"It's your fault, pet," Sirius mumbled fuzzily, his lips grazing Remus' clavicle. His fingers rested contently on Remus' stomach. "Never have I been this tired in my entire life."

"You're always this tired after we're finished."

"Again," Sirius said and nuzzled even closer, sighing, "It's your fault. You drain me every time."

Remus laughed wholeheartedly at this. "I drain you? You're insatiable yourself, and I never grouse about that."

"Write me a letter of complaint if you want. I'll read it tomorrow."

"If I was to write you a letter now," Remus twittered while brushing a strand of hair from Sirius' eyes. "It'd only have three words on it."

"Uh-huh?" Sirius asked sleepily, but a smile was plastered on his face nevertheless. "And what would those be?"

"My arse hurts."

Sirius kissed sloppily Remus' throat. "Well happy birthday, love."


End file.
